Mature Love

When I listen to my partner my own thoughts and feelings get in the way.
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I explode my feelings outward or constrict and don’t talk.
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I focus on trying to get my partner to see what s/he did wrong.
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I am able to express myself openly and calmly.
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I focus on my contribution to our disconnection.
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I take on all the blame and feel terrible.
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I insist on getting my needs met no matter what.
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I am able to listen to my partner openly and non-defensively.
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I can acknowledge my partner’s contribution and my own with compassionate understanding.
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I respect and support my partner’s desires as much as my own.
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I see our differences as valuable and additive.
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I believe we should see eye to eye on all issues.
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I feel hopeless about the future whenever we argue.
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I believe we are just wrong for each other.
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I am open to my partner’s attempts to reconnect.
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I feel confident that we will repair our ruptures and feel close again.
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I know our conflicts are opportunities to learn something.
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I initiate repair attempts and can tolerate when my partner is not ready.
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I complain about my partner’s behavior to try to get them to change.
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I am unable to respond when my partner tries to reconnect.
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I wait for my partner to make repair attempts and do not try first.
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I ask for behavior changes I want clearly and gently.
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I am able to tolerate when my partner says no to doing what I ask.
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I get defensive when my partner asks me to change my behavior.
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I listen to my partner’s requests and am willing to stretch into new behaviors.
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I tell my partner about all of their flaws and behaviors I don’t like.
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I notice and mention what I appreciate about my partner and celebrate our successes.
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I never see or mention any flaws in my partner.
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I talk about my negative reactions responsibly and also note what I appreciate.
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I often feel my partner is against me and is trying to win.
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I see us as on the same team to work through our challenges.
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If my partner would just change everything would be fine.
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I see us as in this together, both contributing to the problems and solutions.
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I see my partner as my enemy and need to protect myself.
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I am sure that the way I see things is the only right way.
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I see my partner as safe and I am vulnerable with them.
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I check out the accuracy of my interpretations of my partner’s behavior.
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I am curious and open to understanding myself and my partner in new ways.
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My beliefs about my partner’s behavior bring me pain.
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I do not expect to have to change to be with my partner.
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I have an image of some new ways I want to be in our relationship.
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I want to behave differently as a result of my deeper understanding of us.
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I follow through on my commitments to change behaviors.
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When I don’t follow through I avoid talking about it.
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When my partner doesn’t follow through I get discouraged and criticize them.
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Nothing is changing.We are stuck.
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When my partner doesn’t follow through I get curious and open a dialogue.
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I know we are on a journey of change and I notice the changes and progressions we are both making.
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Relationship Health Questionaire